I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
