You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
As shirtless as possible
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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