she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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