does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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