and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Randomize
