The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
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