my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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