remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize