You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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