Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
