My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
