eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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