Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
