After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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