I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
