i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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