i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize