Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
