So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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