this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
