I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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