i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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