Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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