Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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