two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
