There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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