Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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