I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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