Sorry, I don't speak sober.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
