im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
