did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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