I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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