They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
