My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
