so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
