My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
It's never too late to be topless.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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