Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
It's never too late to be topless.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
