He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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