If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
