...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
