Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
