I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
