you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
