my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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