I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
