Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
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