Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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