Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
