i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
My liver just had a heart attack.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
