Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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