then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize