update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
