these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
