I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize