omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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