I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Holy sore nipples Batman
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
