Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize